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Greetings to the Coleman Sangha
By Juan
Good morning, my brothers. Good morning, Mickey, (my guess is a lot of things have changed but you are still with us on the
journey). Good morning, Maestro, how are the knees holding up? Good morning to all
the volunteers and residents.
It is 7:30am here in Puerto Rico as I sit down to type this on the computer and I have had you all on my mind, figuring out what to
share with you, since I got up at 5:00 to do my morning sit. I miss you a lot, especially those whom I was privileged to call my
friends, my teacher (yeah, you, KC) and the whole sangha. I wish you were here, and I'm sure all of you wish you were out, too, but
I also wish I was there with you. Desires are just that, desires; it is our attachment to them that causes suffering. I don't mind
accepting the suffering that comes from my attachment to the Coleman sangha because that suffering has as its root the bonds of
sitting, listening, and going through a very particular part of the journey of life together.
The title of my talk is: I owe you a chocolate Haagen Daz, but I don't mind paying.
OK, some of you are probably thinking, "What ?" And some of you are probably smiling if you remember the bet KC made that it was a
lot less stressful in there than outside. I took him up on the bet, sure that I would win because, hey, I was used to living very
modestly, had enough support to be sure that my basic needs would be met, and had my desires under control. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Brothers, I'm telling you, don't take the bet. Do KC a favor and don't fatten him up on chocolate.
I am going to swim across San Juan Bay to Cata¤o now. Then I will go to the final session of a three day Kalachakra
Initiation for World Peace that is being led by Kirti Tsenshab Rinpoche.
The swim is part of Cata¤o's patron saint festivities. Cata¤o was originally a fishing town and Our Lady of Carmel is the
patron saint of fishermen, so part of the celebration is the swim. As you know, I didn't get to swim for 19 years, so I am glad to
join in this celebration of the purely physical joy of having the freedom to swim. At another level, I am dedicating the swim to
you guys and all those of us who are swimming in the sea of samsara, that ocean of delusion, desire and suffering. San Juan Bay is
polluted, and for me that is a symbol of how the ocean of life is polluted. But if I want to get to the other shore, I have to swim
across. I have been doing some training, but not enough, just like sitting at Coleman, or anywhere else (I suspect), is not enough.
I have to jump in and "Just do it," in the words of Master Sang Seung (did I get it right, KC?). My motivation for the swim is to
offer all my efforts to attain liberation for the benefit of all sentient beings that we may all be happy and live in peace and
harmony with each other.
It is 8:45pm as I sit back down here again after a very full day.
The swim across the bay was a good meditation. I was not even out of the pier area when I realized I was short of breath on every
fourth stroke. My immediate motivation for continuing was not "I want to dedicate my efforts to the desire for liberation so that
I can help all sentient beings", it was, "I can't quit now, what will people say?"
So, the first desire that I confronted was the desire to look good, to have a good reputation. It is a very seductive desire
for me, and the masters say for everyone, but golden chains are still chains. That program was activated big time for me as soon as
I got out: CNN was outside the prison to interview me, there was a big crowd of people chanting and clapping when I arrived at the
airport, I got invited to visit people and have dinner with them, people recognized me in the street, I was interviewed on a bunch
of TV and radio shows. Before I knew it, I was addicted to attention and esteem. I was a lot freer in Coleman. Fortunately, I have
been able to recognize it and take steps to put the spoon in my pocket.
When the currents took me off course and I could not get my bearings, the desire for security and survival that came up was a
perfect example of what I have been dealing with since I got out. At Coleman I had no worries about the basics of survival. You
know, no rent, no food bill, no transportation costs, no clothes bill (except for running shoes every few months), etc. My pay was
$26.18 and all I was concerned about was getting another thirty or forty bucks a month so I could use the phone and cover laundry
and deodorant. Now, everything is an expense. I found myself worrying about work and ways to make a living while I was sitting on
the cushion trying to watch my breath or use the sacred word to remember my intention. Fortunately, I was able to concentrate on
the strokes and to check my direction every so often, and that is what I eventually learned to do in my life out here: not pay
attention to the thoughts of worry, just keep my sense of direction and do the best I can.
Here is some good news: it is all good. The worries, the waves, the desires, the currents, you name it. It is all part of the
practice. The suffering is a good ally if I recognize it for what it is instead of letting the attachment or aversion control me.
It has been a lot trickier to learn to recognize the attachments that seem "good", like being thought well of, but at least coming
to the awareness of how powerfully that spoon works on me has been a great blessing.
And now I leave you with the best news and a solid foundation for your practice. I pass this on with absolute confidence
because it does not come from me but from two masters of different traditions. It has been said that spiritual paths are like the
spokes on a wheel, they are farther apart on the outside, but they get closer as they get near the center. From June 21-28, I was
able to participate in an 8 day silent retreat on the Spiritual Exercises of Ignatius of Loyola, founder of the Society of Jesus,
known as the Jesuits. The retreat director was Father Miguel Matos, director of novice formation in Venezuela. Wow, what a great
guy, full of wisdom and insight into the human condition, with a great sense of humor and deep compassion for everyone. And for the
last three days I have been participating in the Kalachakra Initiation given by Kirti Rinpoche, who was recognized at the age of
five as the re-incarnation of the abbot of Gompa, became a monk at seven and at the age of 45 went on retreat for 15 years. The
seriousness and dedication which he showed during the ceremony were matched only by his smile, which lit up the entire hall and
touched everyone's heart.
This is what both Fr. Matos and Kirti Rinpoche both said was a key to progress in the practice. Fr. Matos said to reflect and
seek refuge in the grace of God dwelling within us. Kirti Rinpoche told us to meditate on the Buddha nature that is within. Both
of them tell us to realize that who we think we are has no self-nature, and is a case of mistaken identity on our part, that we do
ourselves a favor if we focus on our true nature, which is Christ or Buddha, depending on the tradition, but any way you look at it
is better than Juan Segarra, reg #15357-077 at Coleman FCI , or Juan Segarra, ss#583-50-3700 at San Juan, Puerto Rico.
So, I lost the bet, and have been struggling to regain my freedom from the seductive desires and the corrosive worries, but
that is the price and it is OK, especially now that I have been reminded that the key to it all is not something to achieve, but
something we just have to realize that we already have if we meditate on it and allow it to unfold.
I love you all. |
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